Kayson at 9 months

Wow, time is flying by!!!! My little boy is already 9 months old...I'm having to really think about what I want to do for his 1st birthday party...already?!

I feel like this past month has been one full of learning and growing..and testing mom and dad. :) It's been a great one, but kind of difficult too. Kayson is getting to the point where he really loves to do his own thing, and gets into EVERYTHING. He's at that age though, where listening to me isn't really a big priority in his mind. I swear it seems like he has to be told 5-6 times and slapped on the wrist a couple times for him to finally get that maybe he should go do something else...and often times that doesn't even happen; we actually have to pick him up and put him somewhere else. I'm praying that this phase (hope thats what it is) is over quickly. Don't get me wrong, I know that kids don't always obey, but this is different.

Overall, this little boy fills my heart with so much joy. I don't take a moment foregranted! He is getting so big and learning so much so fast.

-Something big this month- Kayson started taking his first few steps! That's all it is, and it's still pretty wobbly and unstable.
-He is getting very good at standing on his own! It is getting longer and longer.
-He now has 7 almost 8 teeth! Crazy how in one month he can go from getting his 3rd to getting his 8th! He looks like such a big boy with his 2 front top and bottom teeth!
-Kayson has found the toilet paper in the bathroom...and loves to pull it and TP my bathroom!! Now we close the door to the bathroom. ;)
-Kayson and Hercules don't exactly get along all that great. At least on Hercules' end...Kayson thinks they are best friends! Hercules will run all over the house, from piece of furniture to furniture trying to get away from Kayson and Kayson thinks it's a game and will just chase him all day...laughing and laughing!
-Kayson loves to play with my glasses. We'll be snuggling, and all of the sudden he'll grab them off my face, look at me with this HUGE smile and then take off with them. He just laughs...like big belly laughs when I chase him.
-Kayson will often do something he's not supposed to, and look at me to see if I'm going to do anything about it. Once I start inching towards him, he takes off...again LAUGHING...except he always stops and gives up long before I even touch him...just rolling on the floor laughing. I am pretty sure he does it on purpose just to get me to chase him.
-He has started eating pretty much all foods we eat..and man can he put down some food. We typically try to make sure he's sleeping when we eat otherwise he will eat everything on our plate!! He loves food!
-He can drink out of a sippy cup now..like a pro. He looks like such a big boy doing it too.
-This little boy is a dancin' machine! When any music play...even me just saying dancin' dancin' dancin' makes him go nuts and he starts bouncin! It's adorable!
-The other day, Steve had been gone traveling for work...and Hercules started barking out the window. Kayson looks at me, then back at the window, and back at me and says.."dada?" OH my gosh...it just melted my heart. Unfortunately it wasn't dada. :(

Kayson 7 & 8 months

Wow...I totally skipped over 7 months. Does this make me the worst mom ever or do I get the best mom ever award...I obviously missed it by being way too busy with my growing, getting in to everything, amazing, fast learner, little boy....right? :)

Honestly, time is just going by way to fast. I cannot believe that it is already Christmas, and Kayson will be 8 months. I feel like I was just pregnant with him. You seriously do have to cherish EVERY moment, even the ones where all you want is a large glass of wine to help take the edge off.

I seriously love being a mom...being Kayson's mom. I honestly cannot imagine life without him. We have learned that it is much harder to go out to eat and that it really is best to plan stuff around Kayson's naps...but we wouldn't trade any of that for the world.

Accomplishments over the past 2 months:
-Kayson is getting his 3rd tooth, the top right one, and it looks like the top left could poke through at any moment.
-Kayson started to say "dada" and "mama" about a month ago..and just as quickly as he started, he stopped. :(
-He is walking along couches, and tables, and chairs...and even walls and doors! Still doesn't have the balance to walk without support yet though.
-He so far seems to really understand the word no. We've especially had to test this out with the Christmas tree and presents. He'll test us a few times, but eventually he gets it.
-He has tried to take off without being held or without any support a couple of times. I love that he has the "get up and go" attitude...but it is hard to see him fall sometimes.
-I'm realizing more and more that he is so like his mama! I've NEVER been one to want to play with the kids while the adults talk. I always wanted to be at the adult table too. Kayson really does prefer to just sit and watch with the adults and take it all in. He's quite the observer.
-He still loves playing peek-a-boo...this probably won't get old for awhile. But he's found a different way to play. Him and Steve will be sitting, Kayson on his lap. Steve has his hat on, and Kays will pull the hat (with Steve's head attached) down, and then bend down to peek at him and then just laugh and laugh and laugh. It is the best thing ever to watch.
-He loves watching the toilet flush. He is just fascinated by it!
-He's figured out how to open cupboards! Think it's time to get some safety locks! :)
-He will let you go forever walking him around the house. He loves it. I love watching his little feet figure out how to walk!
-When my parents still lived with us, my mom sang a little song to Kayson all the time..not sure if she made it up or not. It goes like this..."I love coffee, I love tea,...I love my Kayson and my Kayson loves me!" I still sing that to him now, and whenever I do his face just lights up, and he gets this deep giggle going.

6 months!

Wow, I cannot believe that it has already been 6 months since my now 18 lb baby was born! He is such a joy to be around. I am so blessed to call him mine. He's such a little spunky little guy with the biggest personality. He really has such a soft tender heart. The little smile he gets when I call his name and smile at him...just thinking about it melts my heart! He is so precious. I know all babies are like this, but it is amazing to see him learn and process every day. Seriously, every day he is learning something new or mastering it. I love watching him grow, even though there are times when I just want to slow down time!

-Kayson is now a full-blown crawler. Surprisingly he doesn't get into much...at least not yet. He loves just having the freedom to move!
-He has 2 teeth, his two bottom ones, and I am pretty sure he's getting a couple more.
-He is pro at pulling himself up on anything and everything.
-He can walk around his crib while standing up, but he hasn't quite figured out to walk around couches and tables yet...and mommy is ok with this for now. :)
-He has decided that he doesn't like to sit and relax while taking a bath anymore...he wants to stand and try to leap out of the tub!
-He loves to "walk" while we're holding his hands, and he's very good at it!
-He felt snow for the first time last week, and wasn't quite sure what to think. He grabbed a big handful and shoved it in his mouth...and then was a little surprised by how cold it was.
-The look Kayson gets when his daddy walks in the room is indescribable.
-He loves his baby food...but he wants everything we're having, and just doesn't understand why he can't have it yet.
-Now that he can pull himself up in his crib...nap times are a bit more difficult because all he wants to do is stand up!
-He loves playing peek-a-boo! He just laughs and laughs and laughs.
-He has officially found the little door stoppers behind the door and loves to play with it.
-When he's crawling or pulling himself up he makes these manly grunts. He feels so accomplished! It is adorable!
-When he's eating he says mmm yum!
-He said dada for the first time last week...daddy was in AZ and missed it, but he did it! Hasn't said it since. :(
-He says mama or mommy ALL the time while crying, but has yet to say it during his story time. ;)
-He can feed himself puffs!

Kayson at 5 months

I cannot believe that my little boy is already 5 months old.

Doesn't it seem like the older we get, especially after having children, the faster time gets? It's very mixed emotions too; part of me loves watching Kayson grow up, watching him hitting all of these milestones, developing his own little personality, finding out some of the things he likes and dislikes (yes even at 5 months, is he his mom & dad's kid or what!), getting his first little 2 teeth...the list can go on. But there is also part of me that just wants to keep him tiny forever. I cannot believe how much he has changed and grown in the last 5 months. He used to fall asleep in my arms all the time, and now those are very far and in between. At his baby shower a dear friend gave us a book called "If I could keep you little..." and it is such a great reminder that we HAVE to let our little people experience life for themselves, we cannot keep them little forever. I have to read it to Kayson once a week just to remind myself that as much as I want to keep him little, I have to let him grow up and experience things. Speaking of...while I was writing this, he was sitting on his little play mat right in front of me, and pulled himself up to stand using the couch! He is getting to be such a big boy!

He has made so extremely happy. I never realized how much being a mother changed you! He is constantly teaching me about myself, and about life. I love my life being his mommy. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with that little boy!

Kayson at 5 months...

~Kayson loves to eat rice cereal and baby food! He gets it once in the morning, and once in the afternoon/evening. As soon as I put him in the high chair he starts crying/whining because he wants that food NOW! I seriously cannot shovel that food in fast enough! He can't get enough.
~He hates bananas....I mean hates them. He will gag himself to make himself throw up,but he loves peaches, pears, apples, carrots, and sweet potatoes so far. :)
~He can sit up all by himself for long periods of times now.
~He is super close to crawling, and has gone backwards a few times!
~He's really good at getting up on his hands and knees, and rocking back and forth but he hasn't quite figured out the hand coordination yet.
~As of today he can pull himself up from sitting to standing (he's done it 3 times since I started writing this...oh boy!)
~His first tooth started coming in last week, and a week later his 2nd tooth is super close to coming up.
~He got his first hair cut and did super good. He looks/acts like such a big boy now.
~Right before his first tooth started coming in, he had found his thumb. Poor kid has these giant hands though...so him trying to coordinate the rest of his fingers while his thumb is in his mouth is a bit difficult.
~He loves to be outside and sit in the grass. If he's a bit fussy, I'll take him outside and it will calm him down immediately.
~He loves playing "airplane" and flying up in the air!
~He has just recently become fascinated with reading books. He is so squirmy that it has been super hard to keep him still enough to get through even one book, but he has finally decided that it's interesting enough. :)
~He is seriously such a spunky little boy full of such personality. I think I say it everytime, but there is NO DOUBT he is Steve & I's son. I see so much of myself and Steve in him, and even though that is kind of scary, it really is amazing!

Kayson is already 4 months old!

Wow, 4 months has gone by so fast. It is unbelievable. It has been the best 4 months of my life, no doubt. My life and my heart are so full. People always say that when you have a baby, the love that you have for them is like nothing you've ever felt...and it is so true. Sometimes (ok...most every night) after giving Kayson his last bottle before bed and placing him in crib, I just stand and weep at how extremely blessed I am. I cannot believe that God chose me to be his mama. I love him more than words can say, and he has enriched my life more than anything ever has before. He is truly a delight to be around, and I am so honored to be his mom.

A few things about Kayson...not all new, but still wonderful nonetheless. :)
~He can easily roll from his back to his tummy, and his tummy to his back over and over. He loves being on his tummy, but often times gets super frustrated because he is trying so hard to crawl or move and he can't yet.
~ He has become extremely sociable with other people, and especially babies. It's been awesome to see how almost overnight he hardly had an interest in other kids, and now he can't get enough of them. He loves playing with his friend Carter. They will just lay and laugh and talk to each other all day.
~ He officially is a tummy sleeper. I know they say that you shouldn't ever let your babies sleep on their tummies but I am not going to go in and monitor it. I know some parents would get those little pillow things to block him from rolling over...but if he's comfortable on his tummy...and will sleep 11 hours...sorry I'll let him. His neck is strong enough to turn, and I do check on him. There are some things that are just out of our control...and have had lost a baby already to something that was completely out of my control...I'm not going to sweat the small stuff.
~He loves his bath time! He could seriously just sit and splash around in there forever.
~He has gotten to that age where he does not want to be left alone, or put down. We are working on this...but know/pray it's just a stage.
~He would be much happer laying down on a plain ole' blanket than an activity mat, or anything with toys. He loves those things most of the time, but he always loves to lay on a blanket and play with his toes!
~He has been trying to talk to us and tell us stories a lot lately. I cannot understand a word of it..but I know it's sure interesting.
~He has officially started eating rice cereal and seems to really like it. Sometimes a lot more than others.
~The smile he gets when his daddy walks in the room (I suppose he gets it for mommy too!) is the best thing you've ever seen.
~He loves to look at you when you're not looking and smile..and as soon as you look he'll look away (while keeping the huge grin on his face). I am pretty sure it's his way of playing peek-a-boo.
~He will be doing something over & over, but as soon as I get out the camera he will stop. I don't think he's camera shy...I just think he's a bit stubborn.
~He is fascinated with our dog, Hercules. However...Hercules isn't so fascinated with him...at least that he wants to admit. I think that if given the choice Hercules would totally sleep in Kayson's room.
~He has decided that he is a big boy and wants to drink out of mommy's cup. He is actually very good at it too...and gets incredibly upset when the water is all gone.
~He has a killer pouty face. Gets me everytime.
~He would much rather be in a diaper than clothed...
~He can sit up all by himself. Not for very long...but I know that its only a matter of time until he's a pro.
~When he's laying down or in his carseat he tries super hard to pull himself up to sitting position. He's almost done it a couple times.
~He has the most kissable and pinchable cheeks. Everyone always apologizes for squeezing them..but the truth is, he loves it!
~He LOVES to suck/chew on his pointer finger...he just cannot get enough of it! :)

Things I love about Kayson at 3 months

So, Kayson is now 3 1/2 months and he is growing up so fast. He is constantly learning new things and it is so fun to watch. It is so bittersweet because part of me cannot wait to see that first tooth come in, or have him eat rice cereal...but on the otherhand that means he's not the little newborn I brought home 3 1/2 months ago. He has doubled in size, and has quite the personality. He is so much like his mama it's not even funny. I love him with all of my heart. More than I ever thought possible.

Things that I love about my little guy:
~I love how he chews on his tounge.
~He has discovered how to make a clicking noise with his tounge. If any other person or child did that it would annoy me, but I can't get enough of it with Kayson (for now!)
~Sometimes when he is unsure of whether he wants to be happy or mad he'll give a happy coo/giggle mixed with a whine. It's so silly, but I just eat it up!
~I got this on video the other day and I'll post it because it so precious. We'll blow through our lips and make that bubble/gurgle sound (I have no idea how to describe it) and Kayson quickly learned how to mimic us. He just blows a bunch of spit bubbles through his lips, but it is so cute.
~He has been rolling over since he was 6 weeks from his tummy to his back, but has just recently started rolling over from his back to his belly and then back to his back again. His arm gets in the way a lot of the time, so almost looks like a contortionist trying so hard to get ALL the way over. I'll try to get a picture of it.
~He loves getting his diaper (especially poopy ones) changed. He stretches so big and just soaks it all up.
~He loves to fake cry...especially while looking in the mirror. This is SO his mama, even though I hate to admit it. I have done stuff like that my whole life. He'll watch himself fake crying in the mirror and just look at himself and stop, give a smile and/or giggle and then start again. He also fake cry's to me sometimes, and I'll just laugh and he'll start laughing.
~He is always so afraid that he's going to miss out on something (also SO like his mama!)
~He loves his sleep, and when he doesn't get enough he's not happy (and either is mom or dad!)
~He has been chewing on everything lately. He cannot seem to put enough in his mouth.
~I love when I'll be feeding him and just staring him thanking God for allowing me to be his mommy. Sometimes I really cannot believe it. But he'll get this HUGE smile on his face while he's feeding and forget what he's doing and then go crazy for the bottle again.
~ I love it when he smiles while he's sleeping.
~Lately he has been literally screaming with joy..he'll just give these little screeches over and over. I love it.
~I know it's not true, but Steve and I swear he always say's "hi." He'll coo and it sounds like "hi" all the time. We'll say hi and then he'll coo and I swear it sounds like hi. Love it!
~Whenever he spits up, he gets a huge smile on his face right after.
~ When he is sleeping he will make a "sucking" face/sound. What's funny is his daddy does the same thing in his sleep. :)
~He loves to pull the "fur" out of his stuffed animals. I worry for when Hercules (our dog) lets him get close enough to pull his hair out. Yikes.
~He loves playing peek-a-boo.
~He loves music. He "coos" along with us when we're singing to music. :)
~This little boy has a lot of hair...and HE LOVES to have it brushed. I sit him in front of the mirror in his bumbo and brush his hair and he just loves it. He loves looking at himself for one, but I do think that he loves getting pampered too!
~I love when I put him in his changing table (especially after just waking up from a nap) how he stretches and the cute little look on his face.
~When I kiss his cheek he opens his mouth really big, and when I kiss his lips he sticks his tongue out!! So funny!

I know there are many more things that I love about Kayson...because I rarely dislike anything. I feel so blessed to finally have him in my arms and I love being his mommy. He is such a happy little boy.

It's a BOY!

I had written this back in December and didn't post it. Now that Kayson is here and this is in the past...I feel I can post it. Just to look back on...

Wow, it has been a long time since I've updated...I guess I haven't had much to say...either that or I just haven't had the motivation.

Well I guess to catch the blog up...I'm pregnant! I'm 23 weeks, due April 23. We just found out 2 weeks ago that it's a boy! We are naming him Kayson Kyle.

We are beyond excited to be pregnant again. It's kind of scary going into it after all that has happened. I'm realizing that through out this whole pregnancy there are new and different fears because of stories I've heard, but mostly because of personal experience. I will say though that I have had a peace about this baby from the start. I have known that this baby will be healthy, and will bring so much joy and healing to our lives and hearts. (Also a big part in why we're naming him Kayson...it means Healer!!!) I can't really explain it, other than saying I just "knew" this would be different. It wouldn't be like Brielle, and I wouldn't miscarry. I just knew. That peace has been my saving grace so far...because I felt so differently with Brielle, and even the miscarriage.

I feel so bad saying this sometimes, but it is the truth. I knew that when I was pregnant with Brielle, something was not right. I had a weird disconnection from her. I loved her of course...but not the way that a normal mother would love and attach to their unborn child. I knew that after Brielle died, but I know it even more now because of how I feel towards Kayson. I have a love that I can't describe. Seeing him for the first time on ultrasound, and hearing his heartbeat....it is the most amazing thing. It fills my heart up. I have always heard mothers talk about this love...but now I know. I have so much love for this child that I have never layed on. I have yet to hold in my arms. It's wonderful.

So, 2 weeks ago we had our ultrasound. Even with this peace I've had, it was very nerve racking for us. We were going to be taking a really good look at the heart and everything else to make sure nothing was wrong. With Brielle, at 20 weeks her heart was fully forming, sometime after 20 weeks is when the left upper chamber stopped developing. Usually at 20 weeks you should be able to tell if your baby has left ventricular hypoplasia. (I still believe that God had a plan with Brielle, and spared us finding out....for multiple reasons that we probably don't even know yet.) Anyways, even though that condition is SO rare...1 in a million....it was still kind of scary. Our doctor said that it is so rare that it was the first time he had ever seen a case like Brielle's, and it would probably be the last. Everything looked great! We have a very healthy growing boy! We will have another ultrasound at 30 weeks just to double check on everything. I'm sure going into that will be nerve racking as well...but I think so far we're in the clear to have a healthy baby! :)

Ok...so now onto the Boy part...and the heart and emotion part. I had a feeling early on that we were having a boy. And I started to prepare myself for a boy. When people would say it's a boy, or even ask me what I thought I was having...I would get really upset. This was a heart issue. I know and have said from the beginning that God knows what we need a whole lot more than I know. If I am having a boy...I know that is what I need. (That is my head!) Let me say first that I (and Steve) are soooo excited and overjoyed about Kayson. Like I said above, I love him with everything inside of me. Boy or Girl. I am happy that he is a boy...and I will get to more of that later.

Here is my heart issue.
I have had a lot of people say...I knew you were having a boy...I knew that is what you needed. And it really (if I can be honest) makes me mad, and even hurts my heart. What people don't understand is how badly I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with Brielle. I have ALWAYS wanted a girl. I would always have a girl and Ashley (my best friend who is having a boy due on Jan 1st!!) would have a boy. That is always how it would be. Now...don't get me wrong. I know a lot of people want girls and get boys or visa versa....thats not where I'm going. I HAD a girl! I had tons of pink girl clothes, cute girl shoes, adorable headbands/flowers for her hair, pink blankets, adorable pink dresses...ALL that went unused. That is hard. My nursery closet and dresser drawers were full of girl clothes. The crib was filled and covered with pink blankets. I know that having a boy is probably what I needed (and I AM excited about it) but people fail to understand what goes along with that too. Even if it's healthy to clear everything out of the nursery and start fresh, it's not easy. And to say something like that is just kind of insensitive.
No one was here a couple days ago with Steve and I packing everything away...with tears running down our faces. We had so many dreams of the little girl that was supposed to wear those clothes, and cuddle with those blankets. So don't tell me that is what I needed...because even though you may be right...you have NO clue. You have zero idea what we have been through, and zero idea how hard it was to go through the nursery.

Here is my head...and what my heart is working on.
It was GOOD and healthy and almost freeing to clean out the nursery. It was closing (not all the way) a door, and getting ready for the next chapter of our lives. That IS exciting. We in NO way want any of our children to live in a shadow of Brielle. She will always be a part of our lives, and talked about...but we want each of our children to know how special they are to us and how much we wanted THEM. We did not want this child to be a replacement (or to ever feel that way) of Brielle. It is going to be much easier to not do this with us having a boy! We know that God knows what we need and we do trust in that.

God IS....

It seems like there has been so much death around lately.....

It is really easy to question God and His faithfulness when it seems like every time you turn around someone is dying, having a miscarriage, or being diagnosed with cancer, etc. At least for me the enemy has been able to sneak in and tell my that my God isn't good, and isn't faithful, and isn't able.

Well guess what. I am not believing that lie.

My God IS good.

My God IS faithful.

My God IS able.

What all the death around tells me is the end is near people. Get ready. Keep believing. Don't doubt our Lord. He is coming for His bride.

God never said that things would be easy. That we wouldn't go through hard times. He did say though that He wouldn't give us more than we could handle. So keep your head up, and keep believing that your God is good, able, and most of all faithful. Don't let the enemy sneak in and tell you He isn't those things.

He was, He IS, and He is to come.....

Loss...

It's amazing how sometimes you're heart knows what the date is, before your head knows.
Today my beautiful daughter Brielle would be 5 months old. I honestly cannot even imagine what we would be doing right now. It's so hard for me to see other babies around that age doing what they do...smiling, rolling over, starting to eat rice cereal. It's hard. I never got that chance. I don't know if the shock just wore off, or what...but my heart has hurt a lot more than it did at first. Especially around other babies.

I definitely still feel VERY blessed that I had the privilege of getting Brielle for 4 days. Some days I wish it would have been for longer, that I would be able to experience some of those firsts that other mom's get to...but then I'm reminded that it would be harder. There would always be those moments that I would feel jipped on, no matter how long Brielle would have been on this earth.

There is a family from our church who just lost their son this morning to bacterial meningitis. He is a few years older than me. He's married, and his wife is 6 months pregnant. Part of me wants to think..well you're lucky you got the amount of time with him you did...and then the other part is like no, I think that would be harder to have 20 some (maybe 30) years with someone and then suddenly have them taken. I think what it comes down to is...it is always going to be hard no matter how much time you get with a loved one. There are always going to memories of the past and dreams of what could have been for the future.

Reminder to myself!

I am aloud to have days where I feel a little defeated right?

I know that God loves me, that I am blessed, and that I am strong...but I can still wonder why me some days right?


What I fail to remember most of the time is this life on earth IS so temporary. When I get to heaven this life will seem so insignificant, if I'll even remember it. I cannot wait to get to heaven to see my two precious treasures in heaven.

So this is a reminder to myself:

Stephanie- You are a blessed woman who has a Father who loves you and grieves with you. You have a husband who loves you, and works so hard for you, to make you happy. You have parents who love you, who are so proud of who you are in Christ, who have taught you to seek God in everything you do. You have friends who love you, and speak truth into your life. You have 2 precious angels who love you, who are in heaven with our Heavenly Father waiting for you. And this life is not eternal. It is temporary and you will live eternal life with ALL of your children and family in Heaven soon.

Growth

Today is my anniversary of being married to my wonderful husband for 3 years. It has been THE best 3 years of my life. When we got married 3 years ago, I would have never imagined our life taking some of the twists and turns it has over the past 7 months especially.

If you look at everything we've been through..the non-christian (and maybe christian too, ha) would think that we have come across A LOT of bad luck.

-Steve gets laid off from his job while I am 8 months pregnant.
-We found out that our beautiful daughter Brielle was very sick, and actually ended up going to be with Jesus very suddenly after only being born 4 days previously.
-Steve gets in an accident and totals his car, leaving us with 1 car.
-I miscarry the same week of the accident, after finding out we were pregnant.

Ok, now some of the GOOD that has come out of this...

-If Steve hadn't got laid off he probably would have never left that job. It was comfortable for him. We get to spend LOTS more time together since he is not working nights, and now he is working for Qwest...something that probably wouldn't have happened if he had stayed at Rez.

-Brielle, in her life and death has taught me more about life, more about the Father's love, and more about God's grace than I ever would have learned had she not died. I would MUCH rather have her in my arms rather than in God's, but I'm choosing to look on the bright side.

-With Steve's accident and leaving us to one car, we are saving a lot of money on gas, and insurance. I don't have a job right now anyways, so it leaves me stranded but that's ok.

-My miscarriage. I really don't know if I will fully ever understand the question of WHY? but I have stopped asking. It will not get me anywhere. What I have decided is that I had blocked out some of my grief from Brielle dying, and with my miscarriage I was forced to deal with things that I had chosen not to deal with. I don't know when I would have dealt with some of the things I needed to with Brielle dying if I hadn't have had my miscarriage, but it is just not healthy to keep things inside and I know that I had locked things up and put on my happy face.

Those are just a few of the good things that came to mind.

I just know that I have grown a lot in the last 7 months...definitely in ways I would have never imagined happening to me. I feel blessed though. I have insight on some things at 23, that some people don't find out for years...if ever. All of the things I have gone through, have made me a better wife, a better daughter, a more "loyal" follower of Christ, and it will make me a better mother.

I am blessed that I have been able to go through this season of hardship and growth with my wonderful husband. I wouldn't choose any one else to go through this adventure (roller coaster) we call Life. Happy Anniversary babe, I love you!

grateful...

I really cannot express how greatful I am for the wonderful, amazing support system that I have. I really feel so blessed by such a great family, and awesome friends. Everyone is always saying how strong I am, and I give God most of the credit for that, but my family and friends are a big part too.

The last 4-6 months have been the most challenging months of my life. It's been awful, and I wouldn't wish what I've gone through on anyone else...but I've also been rewarded a lot. My relationship with God is nothing like it has ever been before. I have a more intimate relationship with Him, one that I've always wanted. Steve and I are doing really good, and our marriage is stronger than ever. We have really good communication...and we've been leaning on each other for support. I have made some incredible new friends, who I'd love to say I would have met and gotten close with no matter what, but I'm not so sure that's the case. So thank you all....for being so great and supportive. Words cannot express how thankful I really am.

Learning and growing everyday...

Anyone who is reading this...thank you ahead of time. I am such a scatterbrain, and am all over the place. So enjoy yourself while you hop all over the place. :)

Someone posted the testimony of Zac Smith on facebook. Zac was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. He ended up going to be with Jesus this past Sunday, May 16th. Even though our circumstances are completely different, I feel I can relate to him and his choice to be strong and rejoice no matter what.



I have made the choice to rejoice and know that God is God, and God is good...no matter what my situation looks like.

I think we often forget that this life on earth is temporary. Heaven is where I'm going, and life there is eternal. Things happen on this earth that we don't understand, and it can be tough...but where I'm going is so much better. I have something to look forward to. Death cannot take away what is already His. To God be the glory, always! Brielle was His LONG before she was mine, and even in her death...God still won. That is what I have been saying with Sam's death too. God would have won with healing Sam, or taking him home. The devil has still lost.

In one of my previous posts, I said that I felt like I had been prepared for this miscarriage...the same way I had been prepared for Brielle's death. Today I was talking to one of my friends, and she reminded me that fear and tormenting is NOT from God. When God prepares you for things, you should have peace about it. The devil had really tricked me into believing that I had been prepared for the miscarriage. I had so much fear, and was really being tormented...and during the midst of it I KNEW it was an attack, that it was from the enemy. All of that to say....with Brielle, God definitely prepared me. I had a supernatural peace. With this miscarriage I had fear, that was not preparation...it was the beginning of the attack. And I will say right here and now...that I WILL NOT be fearful in my future pregnancies. I take those thoughts from the enemy captive, and they will stop right here.

I will go on to have healthy pregnancies, and healthy babies. I am already a mommy...but I WILL have babies to hold in my arms.

Our plan does not always line up with God's plan and that can be super hard to wrap your mind around. It's like...okay God, I get that but if you just SHOW me your plan, then I'll align mine up with it. I believe though that there are simply some things that God can't show us until we've been brought through them AND if you are not still and listening to His voice, how can you hear His plan for your life?

Psalm 46:10-- Be still and know that I am God.
Wow...so simple yet so complex. BE still and KNOW, no matter what I am going through, no matter how bad my heart hurts or my circumstance stinks...that YOU are God...and you're good. That you love me more than my heart can even fathom. That the love I have for my husband (which is quite a bit, I think personally (; ) is NOTHING compared to your love for me.


Thank you Lord for being God and for being a good God, and for loving me, even in my ugly moments, even when I question you. Thank you for being patient with me, and helping me know truth...YOUR TRUTH. You're good.

Miss you Sam!

Yesterday, I woke up to a horrible phone call that I had been preparing myself for...but it took me by surprise.

My dear friend Sam Haynam went to be with Jesus. He had fought a long hard battle of Cystic Fibrosis. The last 5 months had been really tough, and he had been in the hospital since Christmas Eve. I had been praying fervently for him and his family. I knew God was the only way Sam would live. I know that God is capable of miracles...and what a testimony it would have been for God to heal him?! There is another question..why God? Why didn't you heal him? We may never know..but the truth is, Sam was a walking testimony. God won, even if He didnt heal him. Because He is more alive than ever now. He is in Heaven with his Lord, rejoicing! So I am choosing to rejoice with Heaven, and Sam. I will miss you so much though buddy, you were a joy and a delight to be around, and I am honored that I got the chance to know you and call you my friend. It makes my heart happy to know that you are with my little angels up in heaven. I love you!

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I went to church, and it was just what I needed.It had been such a rough week. Steve got in an accident and totalled his car, then I miscarried, and then the news of Sam...I felt like I was getting hit hard. God filled me up with His love, and the healing process really started. It was really refreshing.

I am listening to this podcast that is titled Why? It is really good! I have wondered why God doesn't make the world a better place? Why is it the way it is..why do people have pain and suffering. Why did He create a world like this...BUT the truth is He did make the world a better place. God didn't want robots, that is why He gave us freewill. That is why Adam and Eve made the choice to take the apple from the Tree of Good and Evil....because they had freewill. I still don't understand WHY I am going through what I'm going through...why Sam didn't get healed...it's not like we chose to go through that, but I am counting on God to comfort me, to comfort Sam's family....but at least I know that God didn't DO IT to us. God didn't create pain and suffering, and He is with me in this pain I am going through. God Himself has experienced loss and pain and suffereing. I am not alone in what I'm feeling. God understands. That is so huge to me right now.

God is totally committed to forming something worthwhile out of the heartbreaks of life...that is the BIGGEST thing I am holding on to. Something great will come out of my pain and suffering, I know it. I do wonder...why ME? That's great, but why does my heart have to be on the table for God to be able to use me? The only thing I can think of is that I'm strong enough. God knows I can handle it. That I have a great family, great friends...a great support system to help carry me through this.

Romans 8:28--And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Unanswered Questions...

I am so not a writer, but I have so many thoughts, questions, emotions going around in my head...and I figured the best way to get it out would be to write. Plus, the only reason I can really think of for why I am going through all of this, is because it is going to be a testimony someday. That I will be able to minister to women because of it. If that is the case, then I need to be writing it all down. So bare with me...it will probably be all over the place.


I don't know if I will ever understand why things happen. I don't know if I'll ever get the answer to the questions...or if when I can get the answers if I'll even care.

My heart is aching right now. It hurts so bad. My already broken heart, got hurt a bit more. Just as I thought things were getting better for us, they take a turn for the worse.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to lose my beautiful daughter? Why couldn't you make her heart whole Lord? I do trust you, I trust that your plan is better than mine, but I don't understand it. Your grace has been amazing, and I really do thank you for that, but WHY did I have to go through it in the first place. God doesn't make bad things happen...right? Bad things come from the devil right? Well, my question is...why can't God change the bad. Why can't He heal the sick? All of them? I know His plan is better than ours, and I know that someday I'll be glad that He is in control and not me, but when your heart hurts these are questions that come up.

When Brielle died I really wanted to glorify God. I didn't want to become bitter or angry. I wanted to become stronger, I wanted my faith in God to grow. I figured that even though I did not understand what was going on and why it had to happen to us...there was a reason. I've seen some of the reasons. I really do believe that there are more to come. I would never wish what happened to me on anyone else. No one deserves to go through that, but the fact of the matter is...it will happen. I feel like I will be able to minister to those people. I have been through it and come out stronger. God has done a work in me, and my heart. I know that Brielle is in Heaven waiting for me, and I cannot wait to see her again. Everyday is different, but for the most part I have dealt with her death in the best way I think I could've. I felt like whatever lesson God may have been trying to teach me...I learned.

Then things started getting better. Steve got a great job at Qwest. I found out I was pregnant. We finally felt like things were taking a turn for the better.

I hate to say this again, but I really didn't feel right about this pregnancy. I was very fearful that something was going to go wrong. Even now, I don't know what is normal. I think most women have a little bit of fear during the 1st trimester, because there is such a high risk for miscarriage. So I think it is normal to hold your breath and not get too excited, but I have felt that in both pregnancies I've had and both of them ended in a bad way. So I don't know if that was God's way of preparing me..or just normal. Maybe both?

I have had MULTIPLE people have dreams or words about me being pregnant. Not to mention 2 of my friends both found out they were pregnant, and we were all due at the same time. I thought for sure...those things were God reassuring me everything was ok. I kept on reassuring myself saying that everything would be fine. No way would I lose this pregnancy after just losing my daughter 3 months previously..would I? That isn't fair. Not to mention...having 2 friends pregnant due around the same time would be a huge slap in the face if I lost this baby...right? That wouldn't happen, no way.

Well, I was wrong. Last week I started to miscarry and it has been the most devastating thing I have ever dealt with. I know that many women miscarry, and you have to pick yourself up and move on. But how many women have given birth to a beautiful, full-term, healthy baby...only to find out 4 days later that she is NOT healthy at all, but in fact dying? And then to find out 3 months later you're miscarrying too?! It's a lot to handle.

I have questioned a lot. I have questioned if God is real, because if He was real..why would He let this happen to me? Why didn't He heal Brielle, and make this baby whole, help this baby develop correctly? Why me? What have I done to bring this crap onto myself? What is God trying to teach me? Why am I losing this baby so soon after having my daughter die? Lots and lots of questions....BUT I can say right now that I know that God is real. I do not understand why this stuff is happening, but like I said in the beginning..I truly believe that I will have a ministry someday because of this. It is hard to be able to minister to people when you really don't know what they are going through, when you haven't felt the pain. I have felt the pain, and I pray I can help women deal with the pain and questions that have had the same kind of hurt.

God is the great comforter, and He is healing my heart. If He wasn't real...I wouldn't be feeling so much love, peace and grace upon my life. I am leaning on Him, and He is getting me through this. I will become stronger because of this, and my faith will grow too. And all I have to say is devil...you better watch you back. You have messed with the wrong woman, the wrong family...and you WILL get what is coming to you. You are a defeated foe, and you will not steal my faith!