Unanswered Questions...

I am so not a writer, but I have so many thoughts, questions, emotions going around in my head...and I figured the best way to get it out would be to write. Plus, the only reason I can really think of for why I am going through all of this, is because it is going to be a testimony someday. That I will be able to minister to women because of it. If that is the case, then I need to be writing it all down. So bare with me...it will probably be all over the place.


I don't know if I will ever understand why things happen. I don't know if I'll ever get the answer to the questions...or if when I can get the answers if I'll even care.

My heart is aching right now. It hurts so bad. My already broken heart, got hurt a bit more. Just as I thought things were getting better for us, they take a turn for the worse.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to lose my beautiful daughter? Why couldn't you make her heart whole Lord? I do trust you, I trust that your plan is better than mine, but I don't understand it. Your grace has been amazing, and I really do thank you for that, but WHY did I have to go through it in the first place. God doesn't make bad things happen...right? Bad things come from the devil right? Well, my question is...why can't God change the bad. Why can't He heal the sick? All of them? I know His plan is better than ours, and I know that someday I'll be glad that He is in control and not me, but when your heart hurts these are questions that come up.

When Brielle died I really wanted to glorify God. I didn't want to become bitter or angry. I wanted to become stronger, I wanted my faith in God to grow. I figured that even though I did not understand what was going on and why it had to happen to us...there was a reason. I've seen some of the reasons. I really do believe that there are more to come. I would never wish what happened to me on anyone else. No one deserves to go through that, but the fact of the matter is...it will happen. I feel like I will be able to minister to those people. I have been through it and come out stronger. God has done a work in me, and my heart. I know that Brielle is in Heaven waiting for me, and I cannot wait to see her again. Everyday is different, but for the most part I have dealt with her death in the best way I think I could've. I felt like whatever lesson God may have been trying to teach me...I learned.

Then things started getting better. Steve got a great job at Qwest. I found out I was pregnant. We finally felt like things were taking a turn for the better.

I hate to say this again, but I really didn't feel right about this pregnancy. I was very fearful that something was going to go wrong. Even now, I don't know what is normal. I think most women have a little bit of fear during the 1st trimester, because there is such a high risk for miscarriage. So I think it is normal to hold your breath and not get too excited, but I have felt that in both pregnancies I've had and both of them ended in a bad way. So I don't know if that was God's way of preparing me..or just normal. Maybe both?

I have had MULTIPLE people have dreams or words about me being pregnant. Not to mention 2 of my friends both found out they were pregnant, and we were all due at the same time. I thought for sure...those things were God reassuring me everything was ok. I kept on reassuring myself saying that everything would be fine. No way would I lose this pregnancy after just losing my daughter 3 months previously..would I? That isn't fair. Not to mention...having 2 friends pregnant due around the same time would be a huge slap in the face if I lost this baby...right? That wouldn't happen, no way.

Well, I was wrong. Last week I started to miscarry and it has been the most devastating thing I have ever dealt with. I know that many women miscarry, and you have to pick yourself up and move on. But how many women have given birth to a beautiful, full-term, healthy baby...only to find out 4 days later that she is NOT healthy at all, but in fact dying? And then to find out 3 months later you're miscarrying too?! It's a lot to handle.

I have questioned a lot. I have questioned if God is real, because if He was real..why would He let this happen to me? Why didn't He heal Brielle, and make this baby whole, help this baby develop correctly? Why me? What have I done to bring this crap onto myself? What is God trying to teach me? Why am I losing this baby so soon after having my daughter die? Lots and lots of questions....BUT I can say right now that I know that God is real. I do not understand why this stuff is happening, but like I said in the beginning..I truly believe that I will have a ministry someday because of this. It is hard to be able to minister to people when you really don't know what they are going through, when you haven't felt the pain. I have felt the pain, and I pray I can help women deal with the pain and questions that have had the same kind of hurt.

God is the great comforter, and He is healing my heart. If He wasn't real...I wouldn't be feeling so much love, peace and grace upon my life. I am leaning on Him, and He is getting me through this. I will become stronger because of this, and my faith will grow too. And all I have to say is devil...you better watch you back. You have messed with the wrong woman, the wrong family...and you WILL get what is coming to you. You are a defeated foe, and you will not steal my faith!