I had written this back in December and didn't post it. Now that Kayson is here and this is in the past...I feel I can post it. Just to look back on...
Wow, it has been a long time since I've updated...I guess I haven't had much to say...either that or I just haven't had the motivation.
Well I guess to catch the blog up...I'm pregnant! I'm 23 weeks, due April 23. We just found out 2 weeks ago that it's a boy! We are naming him Kayson Kyle.
We are beyond excited to be pregnant again. It's kind of scary going into it after all that has happened. I'm realizing that through out this whole pregnancy there are new and different fears because of stories I've heard, but mostly because of personal experience. I will say though that I have had a peace about this baby from the start. I have known that this baby will be healthy, and will bring so much joy and healing to our lives and hearts. (Also a big part in why we're naming him Kayson...it means Healer!!!) I can't really explain it, other than saying I just "knew" this would be different. It wouldn't be like Brielle, and I wouldn't miscarry. I just knew. That peace has been my saving grace so far...because I felt so differently with Brielle, and even the miscarriage.
I feel so bad saying this sometimes, but it is the truth. I knew that when I was pregnant with Brielle, something was not right. I had a weird disconnection from her. I loved her of course...but not the way that a normal mother would love and attach to their unborn child. I knew that after Brielle died, but I know it even more now because of how I feel towards Kayson. I have a love that I can't describe. Seeing him for the first time on ultrasound, and hearing his heartbeat....it is the most amazing thing. It fills my heart up. I have always heard mothers talk about this love...but now I know. I have so much love for this child that I have never layed on. I have yet to hold in my arms. It's wonderful.
So, 2 weeks ago we had our ultrasound. Even with this peace I've had, it was very nerve racking for us. We were going to be taking a really good look at the heart and everything else to make sure nothing was wrong. With Brielle, at 20 weeks her heart was fully forming, sometime after 20 weeks is when the left upper chamber stopped developing. Usually at 20 weeks you should be able to tell if your baby has left ventricular hypoplasia. (I still believe that God had a plan with Brielle, and spared us finding out....for multiple reasons that we probably don't even know yet.) Anyways, even though that condition is SO rare...1 in a million....it was still kind of scary. Our doctor said that it is so rare that it was the first time he had ever seen a case like Brielle's, and it would probably be the last. Everything looked great! We have a very healthy growing boy! We will have another ultrasound at 30 weeks just to double check on everything. I'm sure going into that will be nerve racking as well...but I think so far we're in the clear to have a healthy baby! :)
Ok...so now onto the Boy part...and the heart and emotion part. I had a feeling early on that we were having a boy. And I started to prepare myself for a boy. When people would say it's a boy, or even ask me what I thought I was having...I would get really upset. This was a heart issue. I know and have said from the beginning that God knows what we need a whole lot more than I know. If I am having a boy...I know that is what I need. (That is my head!) Let me say first that I (and Steve) are soooo excited and overjoyed about Kayson. Like I said above, I love him with everything inside of me. Boy or Girl. I am happy that he is a boy...and I will get to more of that later.
Here is my heart issue.
I have had a lot of people say...I knew you were having a boy...I knew that is what you needed. And it really (if I can be honest) makes me mad, and even hurts my heart. What people don't understand is how badly I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with Brielle. I have ALWAYS wanted a girl. I would always have a girl and Ashley (my best friend who is having a boy due on Jan 1st!!) would have a boy. That is always how it would be. Now...don't get me wrong. I know a lot of people want girls and get boys or visa versa....thats not where I'm going. I HAD a girl! I had tons of pink girl clothes, cute girl shoes, adorable headbands/flowers for her hair, pink blankets, adorable pink dresses...ALL that went unused. That is hard. My nursery closet and dresser drawers were full of girl clothes. The crib was filled and covered with pink blankets. I know that having a boy is probably what I needed (and I AM excited about it) but people fail to understand what goes along with that too. Even if it's healthy to clear everything out of the nursery and start fresh, it's not easy. And to say something like that is just kind of insensitive.
No one was here a couple days ago with Steve and I packing everything away...with tears running down our faces. We had so many dreams of the little girl that was supposed to wear those clothes, and cuddle with those blankets. So don't tell me that is what I needed...because even though you may be right...you have NO clue. You have zero idea what we have been through, and zero idea how hard it was to go through the nursery.
Here is my head...and what my heart is working on.
It was GOOD and healthy and almost freeing to clean out the nursery. It was closing (not all the way) a door, and getting ready for the next chapter of our lives. That IS exciting. We in NO way want any of our children to live in a shadow of Brielle. She will always be a part of our lives, and talked about...but we want each of our children to know how special they are to us and how much we wanted THEM. We did not want this child to be a replacement (or to ever feel that way) of Brielle. It is going to be much easier to not do this with us having a boy! We know that God knows what we need and we do trust in that.
