It's a BOY!

I had written this back in December and didn't post it. Now that Kayson is here and this is in the past...I feel I can post it. Just to look back on...

Wow, it has been a long time since I've updated...I guess I haven't had much to say...either that or I just haven't had the motivation.

Well I guess to catch the blog up...I'm pregnant! I'm 23 weeks, due April 23. We just found out 2 weeks ago that it's a boy! We are naming him Kayson Kyle.

We are beyond excited to be pregnant again. It's kind of scary going into it after all that has happened. I'm realizing that through out this whole pregnancy there are new and different fears because of stories I've heard, but mostly because of personal experience. I will say though that I have had a peace about this baby from the start. I have known that this baby will be healthy, and will bring so much joy and healing to our lives and hearts. (Also a big part in why we're naming him Kayson...it means Healer!!!) I can't really explain it, other than saying I just "knew" this would be different. It wouldn't be like Brielle, and I wouldn't miscarry. I just knew. That peace has been my saving grace so far...because I felt so differently with Brielle, and even the miscarriage.

I feel so bad saying this sometimes, but it is the truth. I knew that when I was pregnant with Brielle, something was not right. I had a weird disconnection from her. I loved her of course...but not the way that a normal mother would love and attach to their unborn child. I knew that after Brielle died, but I know it even more now because of how I feel towards Kayson. I have a love that I can't describe. Seeing him for the first time on ultrasound, and hearing his heartbeat....it is the most amazing thing. It fills my heart up. I have always heard mothers talk about this love...but now I know. I have so much love for this child that I have never layed on. I have yet to hold in my arms. It's wonderful.

So, 2 weeks ago we had our ultrasound. Even with this peace I've had, it was very nerve racking for us. We were going to be taking a really good look at the heart and everything else to make sure nothing was wrong. With Brielle, at 20 weeks her heart was fully forming, sometime after 20 weeks is when the left upper chamber stopped developing. Usually at 20 weeks you should be able to tell if your baby has left ventricular hypoplasia. (I still believe that God had a plan with Brielle, and spared us finding out....for multiple reasons that we probably don't even know yet.) Anyways, even though that condition is SO rare...1 in a million....it was still kind of scary. Our doctor said that it is so rare that it was the first time he had ever seen a case like Brielle's, and it would probably be the last. Everything looked great! We have a very healthy growing boy! We will have another ultrasound at 30 weeks just to double check on everything. I'm sure going into that will be nerve racking as well...but I think so far we're in the clear to have a healthy baby! :)

Ok...so now onto the Boy part...and the heart and emotion part. I had a feeling early on that we were having a boy. And I started to prepare myself for a boy. When people would say it's a boy, or even ask me what I thought I was having...I would get really upset. This was a heart issue. I know and have said from the beginning that God knows what we need a whole lot more than I know. If I am having a boy...I know that is what I need. (That is my head!) Let me say first that I (and Steve) are soooo excited and overjoyed about Kayson. Like I said above, I love him with everything inside of me. Boy or Girl. I am happy that he is a boy...and I will get to more of that later.

Here is my heart issue.
I have had a lot of people say...I knew you were having a boy...I knew that is what you needed. And it really (if I can be honest) makes me mad, and even hurts my heart. What people don't understand is how badly I wanted a girl when I was pregnant with Brielle. I have ALWAYS wanted a girl. I would always have a girl and Ashley (my best friend who is having a boy due on Jan 1st!!) would have a boy. That is always how it would be. Now...don't get me wrong. I know a lot of people want girls and get boys or visa versa....thats not where I'm going. I HAD a girl! I had tons of pink girl clothes, cute girl shoes, adorable headbands/flowers for her hair, pink blankets, adorable pink dresses...ALL that went unused. That is hard. My nursery closet and dresser drawers were full of girl clothes. The crib was filled and covered with pink blankets. I know that having a boy is probably what I needed (and I AM excited about it) but people fail to understand what goes along with that too. Even if it's healthy to clear everything out of the nursery and start fresh, it's not easy. And to say something like that is just kind of insensitive.
No one was here a couple days ago with Steve and I packing everything away...with tears running down our faces. We had so many dreams of the little girl that was supposed to wear those clothes, and cuddle with those blankets. So don't tell me that is what I needed...because even though you may be right...you have NO clue. You have zero idea what we have been through, and zero idea how hard it was to go through the nursery.

Here is my head...and what my heart is working on.
It was GOOD and healthy and almost freeing to clean out the nursery. It was closing (not all the way) a door, and getting ready for the next chapter of our lives. That IS exciting. We in NO way want any of our children to live in a shadow of Brielle. She will always be a part of our lives, and talked about...but we want each of our children to know how special they are to us and how much we wanted THEM. We did not want this child to be a replacement (or to ever feel that way) of Brielle. It is going to be much easier to not do this with us having a boy! We know that God knows what we need and we do trust in that.

God IS....

It seems like there has been so much death around lately.....

It is really easy to question God and His faithfulness when it seems like every time you turn around someone is dying, having a miscarriage, or being diagnosed with cancer, etc. At least for me the enemy has been able to sneak in and tell my that my God isn't good, and isn't faithful, and isn't able.

Well guess what. I am not believing that lie.

My God IS good.

My God IS faithful.

My God IS able.

What all the death around tells me is the end is near people. Get ready. Keep believing. Don't doubt our Lord. He is coming for His bride.

God never said that things would be easy. That we wouldn't go through hard times. He did say though that He wouldn't give us more than we could handle. So keep your head up, and keep believing that your God is good, able, and most of all faithful. Don't let the enemy sneak in and tell you He isn't those things.

He was, He IS, and He is to come.....

Loss...

It's amazing how sometimes you're heart knows what the date is, before your head knows.
Today my beautiful daughter Brielle would be 5 months old. I honestly cannot even imagine what we would be doing right now. It's so hard for me to see other babies around that age doing what they do...smiling, rolling over, starting to eat rice cereal. It's hard. I never got that chance. I don't know if the shock just wore off, or what...but my heart has hurt a lot more than it did at first. Especially around other babies.

I definitely still feel VERY blessed that I had the privilege of getting Brielle for 4 days. Some days I wish it would have been for longer, that I would be able to experience some of those firsts that other mom's get to...but then I'm reminded that it would be harder. There would always be those moments that I would feel jipped on, no matter how long Brielle would have been on this earth.

There is a family from our church who just lost their son this morning to bacterial meningitis. He is a few years older than me. He's married, and his wife is 6 months pregnant. Part of me wants to think..well you're lucky you got the amount of time with him you did...and then the other part is like no, I think that would be harder to have 20 some (maybe 30) years with someone and then suddenly have them taken. I think what it comes down to is...it is always going to be hard no matter how much time you get with a loved one. There are always going to memories of the past and dreams of what could have been for the future.

Reminder to myself!

I am aloud to have days where I feel a little defeated right?

I know that God loves me, that I am blessed, and that I am strong...but I can still wonder why me some days right?


What I fail to remember most of the time is this life on earth IS so temporary. When I get to heaven this life will seem so insignificant, if I'll even remember it. I cannot wait to get to heaven to see my two precious treasures in heaven.

So this is a reminder to myself:

Stephanie- You are a blessed woman who has a Father who loves you and grieves with you. You have a husband who loves you, and works so hard for you, to make you happy. You have parents who love you, who are so proud of who you are in Christ, who have taught you to seek God in everything you do. You have friends who love you, and speak truth into your life. You have 2 precious angels who love you, who are in heaven with our Heavenly Father waiting for you. And this life is not eternal. It is temporary and you will live eternal life with ALL of your children and family in Heaven soon.

Growth

Today is my anniversary of being married to my wonderful husband for 3 years. It has been THE best 3 years of my life. When we got married 3 years ago, I would have never imagined our life taking some of the twists and turns it has over the past 7 months especially.

If you look at everything we've been through..the non-christian (and maybe christian too, ha) would think that we have come across A LOT of bad luck.

-Steve gets laid off from his job while I am 8 months pregnant.
-We found out that our beautiful daughter Brielle was very sick, and actually ended up going to be with Jesus very suddenly after only being born 4 days previously.
-Steve gets in an accident and totals his car, leaving us with 1 car.
-I miscarry the same week of the accident, after finding out we were pregnant.

Ok, now some of the GOOD that has come out of this...

-If Steve hadn't got laid off he probably would have never left that job. It was comfortable for him. We get to spend LOTS more time together since he is not working nights, and now he is working for Qwest...something that probably wouldn't have happened if he had stayed at Rez.

-Brielle, in her life and death has taught me more about life, more about the Father's love, and more about God's grace than I ever would have learned had she not died. I would MUCH rather have her in my arms rather than in God's, but I'm choosing to look on the bright side.

-With Steve's accident and leaving us to one car, we are saving a lot of money on gas, and insurance. I don't have a job right now anyways, so it leaves me stranded but that's ok.

-My miscarriage. I really don't know if I will fully ever understand the question of WHY? but I have stopped asking. It will not get me anywhere. What I have decided is that I had blocked out some of my grief from Brielle dying, and with my miscarriage I was forced to deal with things that I had chosen not to deal with. I don't know when I would have dealt with some of the things I needed to with Brielle dying if I hadn't have had my miscarriage, but it is just not healthy to keep things inside and I know that I had locked things up and put on my happy face.

Those are just a few of the good things that came to mind.

I just know that I have grown a lot in the last 7 months...definitely in ways I would have never imagined happening to me. I feel blessed though. I have insight on some things at 23, that some people don't find out for years...if ever. All of the things I have gone through, have made me a better wife, a better daughter, a more "loyal" follower of Christ, and it will make me a better mother.

I am blessed that I have been able to go through this season of hardship and growth with my wonderful husband. I wouldn't choose any one else to go through this adventure (roller coaster) we call Life. Happy Anniversary babe, I love you!

grateful...

I really cannot express how greatful I am for the wonderful, amazing support system that I have. I really feel so blessed by such a great family, and awesome friends. Everyone is always saying how strong I am, and I give God most of the credit for that, but my family and friends are a big part too.

The last 4-6 months have been the most challenging months of my life. It's been awful, and I wouldn't wish what I've gone through on anyone else...but I've also been rewarded a lot. My relationship with God is nothing like it has ever been before. I have a more intimate relationship with Him, one that I've always wanted. Steve and I are doing really good, and our marriage is stronger than ever. We have really good communication...and we've been leaning on each other for support. I have made some incredible new friends, who I'd love to say I would have met and gotten close with no matter what, but I'm not so sure that's the case. So thank you all....for being so great and supportive. Words cannot express how thankful I really am.

Learning and growing everyday...

Anyone who is reading this...thank you ahead of time. I am such a scatterbrain, and am all over the place. So enjoy yourself while you hop all over the place. :)

Someone posted the testimony of Zac Smith on facebook. Zac was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. He ended up going to be with Jesus this past Sunday, May 16th. Even though our circumstances are completely different, I feel I can relate to him and his choice to be strong and rejoice no matter what.



I have made the choice to rejoice and know that God is God, and God is good...no matter what my situation looks like.

I think we often forget that this life on earth is temporary. Heaven is where I'm going, and life there is eternal. Things happen on this earth that we don't understand, and it can be tough...but where I'm going is so much better. I have something to look forward to. Death cannot take away what is already His. To God be the glory, always! Brielle was His LONG before she was mine, and even in her death...God still won. That is what I have been saying with Sam's death too. God would have won with healing Sam, or taking him home. The devil has still lost.

In one of my previous posts, I said that I felt like I had been prepared for this miscarriage...the same way I had been prepared for Brielle's death. Today I was talking to one of my friends, and she reminded me that fear and tormenting is NOT from God. When God prepares you for things, you should have peace about it. The devil had really tricked me into believing that I had been prepared for the miscarriage. I had so much fear, and was really being tormented...and during the midst of it I KNEW it was an attack, that it was from the enemy. All of that to say....with Brielle, God definitely prepared me. I had a supernatural peace. With this miscarriage I had fear, that was not preparation...it was the beginning of the attack. And I will say right here and now...that I WILL NOT be fearful in my future pregnancies. I take those thoughts from the enemy captive, and they will stop right here.

I will go on to have healthy pregnancies, and healthy babies. I am already a mommy...but I WILL have babies to hold in my arms.

Our plan does not always line up with God's plan and that can be super hard to wrap your mind around. It's like...okay God, I get that but if you just SHOW me your plan, then I'll align mine up with it. I believe though that there are simply some things that God can't show us until we've been brought through them AND if you are not still and listening to His voice, how can you hear His plan for your life?

Psalm 46:10-- Be still and know that I am God.
Wow...so simple yet so complex. BE still and KNOW, no matter what I am going through, no matter how bad my heart hurts or my circumstance stinks...that YOU are God...and you're good. That you love me more than my heart can even fathom. That the love I have for my husband (which is quite a bit, I think personally (; ) is NOTHING compared to your love for me.


Thank you Lord for being God and for being a good God, and for loving me, even in my ugly moments, even when I question you. Thank you for being patient with me, and helping me know truth...YOUR TRUTH. You're good.

Miss you Sam!

Yesterday, I woke up to a horrible phone call that I had been preparing myself for...but it took me by surprise.

My dear friend Sam Haynam went to be with Jesus. He had fought a long hard battle of Cystic Fibrosis. The last 5 months had been really tough, and he had been in the hospital since Christmas Eve. I had been praying fervently for him and his family. I knew God was the only way Sam would live. I know that God is capable of miracles...and what a testimony it would have been for God to heal him?! There is another question..why God? Why didn't you heal him? We may never know..but the truth is, Sam was a walking testimony. God won, even if He didnt heal him. Because He is more alive than ever now. He is in Heaven with his Lord, rejoicing! So I am choosing to rejoice with Heaven, and Sam. I will miss you so much though buddy, you were a joy and a delight to be around, and I am honored that I got the chance to know you and call you my friend. It makes my heart happy to know that you are with my little angels up in heaven. I love you!

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I went to church, and it was just what I needed.It had been such a rough week. Steve got in an accident and totalled his car, then I miscarried, and then the news of Sam...I felt like I was getting hit hard. God filled me up with His love, and the healing process really started. It was really refreshing.

I am listening to this podcast that is titled Why? It is really good! I have wondered why God doesn't make the world a better place? Why is it the way it is..why do people have pain and suffering. Why did He create a world like this...BUT the truth is He did make the world a better place. God didn't want robots, that is why He gave us freewill. That is why Adam and Eve made the choice to take the apple from the Tree of Good and Evil....because they had freewill. I still don't understand WHY I am going through what I'm going through...why Sam didn't get healed...it's not like we chose to go through that, but I am counting on God to comfort me, to comfort Sam's family....but at least I know that God didn't DO IT to us. God didn't create pain and suffering, and He is with me in this pain I am going through. God Himself has experienced loss and pain and suffereing. I am not alone in what I'm feeling. God understands. That is so huge to me right now.

God is totally committed to forming something worthwhile out of the heartbreaks of life...that is the BIGGEST thing I am holding on to. Something great will come out of my pain and suffering, I know it. I do wonder...why ME? That's great, but why does my heart have to be on the table for God to be able to use me? The only thing I can think of is that I'm strong enough. God knows I can handle it. That I have a great family, great friends...a great support system to help carry me through this.

Romans 8:28--And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Unanswered Questions...

I am so not a writer, but I have so many thoughts, questions, emotions going around in my head...and I figured the best way to get it out would be to write. Plus, the only reason I can really think of for why I am going through all of this, is because it is going to be a testimony someday. That I will be able to minister to women because of it. If that is the case, then I need to be writing it all down. So bare with me...it will probably be all over the place.


I don't know if I will ever understand why things happen. I don't know if I'll ever get the answer to the questions...or if when I can get the answers if I'll even care.

My heart is aching right now. It hurts so bad. My already broken heart, got hurt a bit more. Just as I thought things were getting better for us, they take a turn for the worse.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to lose my beautiful daughter? Why couldn't you make her heart whole Lord? I do trust you, I trust that your plan is better than mine, but I don't understand it. Your grace has been amazing, and I really do thank you for that, but WHY did I have to go through it in the first place. God doesn't make bad things happen...right? Bad things come from the devil right? Well, my question is...why can't God change the bad. Why can't He heal the sick? All of them? I know His plan is better than ours, and I know that someday I'll be glad that He is in control and not me, but when your heart hurts these are questions that come up.

When Brielle died I really wanted to glorify God. I didn't want to become bitter or angry. I wanted to become stronger, I wanted my faith in God to grow. I figured that even though I did not understand what was going on and why it had to happen to us...there was a reason. I've seen some of the reasons. I really do believe that there are more to come. I would never wish what happened to me on anyone else. No one deserves to go through that, but the fact of the matter is...it will happen. I feel like I will be able to minister to those people. I have been through it and come out stronger. God has done a work in me, and my heart. I know that Brielle is in Heaven waiting for me, and I cannot wait to see her again. Everyday is different, but for the most part I have dealt with her death in the best way I think I could've. I felt like whatever lesson God may have been trying to teach me...I learned.

Then things started getting better. Steve got a great job at Qwest. I found out I was pregnant. We finally felt like things were taking a turn for the better.

I hate to say this again, but I really didn't feel right about this pregnancy. I was very fearful that something was going to go wrong. Even now, I don't know what is normal. I think most women have a little bit of fear during the 1st trimester, because there is such a high risk for miscarriage. So I think it is normal to hold your breath and not get too excited, but I have felt that in both pregnancies I've had and both of them ended in a bad way. So I don't know if that was God's way of preparing me..or just normal. Maybe both?

I have had MULTIPLE people have dreams or words about me being pregnant. Not to mention 2 of my friends both found out they were pregnant, and we were all due at the same time. I thought for sure...those things were God reassuring me everything was ok. I kept on reassuring myself saying that everything would be fine. No way would I lose this pregnancy after just losing my daughter 3 months previously..would I? That isn't fair. Not to mention...having 2 friends pregnant due around the same time would be a huge slap in the face if I lost this baby...right? That wouldn't happen, no way.

Well, I was wrong. Last week I started to miscarry and it has been the most devastating thing I have ever dealt with. I know that many women miscarry, and you have to pick yourself up and move on. But how many women have given birth to a beautiful, full-term, healthy baby...only to find out 4 days later that she is NOT healthy at all, but in fact dying? And then to find out 3 months later you're miscarrying too?! It's a lot to handle.

I have questioned a lot. I have questioned if God is real, because if He was real..why would He let this happen to me? Why didn't He heal Brielle, and make this baby whole, help this baby develop correctly? Why me? What have I done to bring this crap onto myself? What is God trying to teach me? Why am I losing this baby so soon after having my daughter die? Lots and lots of questions....BUT I can say right now that I know that God is real. I do not understand why this stuff is happening, but like I said in the beginning..I truly believe that I will have a ministry someday because of this. It is hard to be able to minister to people when you really don't know what they are going through, when you haven't felt the pain. I have felt the pain, and I pray I can help women deal with the pain and questions that have had the same kind of hurt.

God is the great comforter, and He is healing my heart. If He wasn't real...I wouldn't be feeling so much love, peace and grace upon my life. I am leaning on Him, and He is getting me through this. I will become stronger because of this, and my faith will grow too. And all I have to say is devil...you better watch you back. You have messed with the wrong woman, the wrong family...and you WILL get what is coming to you. You are a defeated foe, and you will not steal my faith!